Your acceptance > Theirs

     I was immersed in my college apps during the third week of my senior year. I concluded the day was doomed before my alarm clock even sounded. This application had to be damn near impeccable. It was going to my dream school. I trickled in the library past the large monitors, and dusty bookshelves and spotted a vacant cubicle. I had no anticipation of me and this 6 by 6 box being best friends. I now realize in my four years in that building my most intimate thoughts and growth occurred in a cubicle and it happened within 45 minutes.

     I took some swigs of my Alani Nu energy drink and before I knew it was over I had finished my common app! The easiest part of the application. Then I started the hardest part of the application, the second one. This school … which shall not be named, required me to make a portfolio in order to showcase why I was an asset as an incoming student. I can not summon a word to mentally convey how much this irritated me. Not only was I charged an 80-dollar application fee, but they wanted additional homework from me.

     I sat there irate trying to contemplate all the ways to please the admission counsel and I came up with nothing. By nothing I mean nothing, not words, places, or thoughts I was on the verge of tears. I just wanted to be special, seen, and memorable. But then reality hit me like dodgeball and I realized this school has more than 100,000 applicants per year. I determined that I was insignificant. It simply made no sense. There was no way I was going to take up space in anyone's mind when the people evaluating me were reading thousands of essays. Let's just say that the acceptance rate wasn't the only thing at an all-time low so was my self-esteem. I took a break because the librarian and several classmates were staring at me cursing in my tiny cubicle (I think loudly) not to mention my ADHD was beginning to get the best of me. I set out on an expedition to seek inspiration. I landed on Pinterest because how else do seventeen-year-old girls get inspired? I found a quote by Mark Twain that said “Write what you know” and that's what sparked an idea. Mark, if we could DM I'd give you a virtual hug. That aha moment made me realize I didn't want what I showcased to be a facade, I wanted it to be my reality. Being one out of one hundred thousand made me rare not common. Math was always a struggle but it's funny when you can properly assess fractions and it was finally all adding up. I had my own experiences and lifestyle which was not identical to any other applicant. I just needed to be honest about them.   

Thus, I created this character (Alex) whose life was living vicariously through mine. The story was about validation that meant so much to Alex. The readers noticed days went by unfulfilled the same way my senior started. This unfulfillment stemmed from prioritizing someone else's aspirations above one's own. Here I was in the library, stuck, suffering from imposter syndrome, anxious about applying to a film school so that I could write television, something others would make a mockery of. I felt guilty because I was gravitating towards a reality distant and distinct from theirs. You know that scene when the main character wants to do something and the angel and devil are on their shoulders giving him a list of pros and cons. I wasn't sure what happy ending to give Alex so I gave him mine by providing what I lacked self-esteem. The character became forced to come to terms with not pleasing others. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back on this I would have finished that application in a day or so if I had ignored all the unsolicited input. I don't think what I wrote was well written because it was about high school or dramatic. I think it was well written because it was true. The self-evident truth is that people's opinions are worth a grain of salt. When you place an abundance of weight on what others tell you it creates a mental hindrance.